instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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