Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
