I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.â€
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