I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
