What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
