i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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