I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
