I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
