how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
