from now on my penis is your penis
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
