Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
