forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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