sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
