he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's rum buckets o'clock
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
