So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
