too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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