I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
