Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
