I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
