My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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