Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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