I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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