Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
