By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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