I CAN MOONWALK!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
