Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
