How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
