I wish my penis had an off switch
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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