Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
