so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
