Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
