I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
