I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
