just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
