We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
