How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
