cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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