I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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