I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
