hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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