fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
