i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
