remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
