you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she peed on how many people?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
