I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
