why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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