I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I think my moral compass just broke
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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