It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
