So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
