saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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