I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
