My Higher Power is John Stamos
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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